Starting Over in New York
by ssa123
Summary: After the worst year of her life in Chicago can Alexandra Nichols find something worth living for in NYC and might that something be suspender wearing ADA Rafael Barba
1. Chapter 1

**June 2017, Chicago**

She heard door slam, felt the tiny apartment around her shake with the force of it, and knew he was in a bad mood. Knowing if she stayed in the room she was currently residing in she would more than likely receive a beating she ran to the bedroom as quickly and aa quietly as she could praying to god that he would stay in the front room and cool off for a while. She knew that would never happen. She heard his heavy footsteps through the apartment and cowered under the covers, jumping slightly when she heard the door open.

"Stupid bitch" she heard him say "do you really think yoi can hide from me" he pulled the covers back and forced her onto her back so she could look at him. She could smell the booze on his breath as he continues to speak to her "I will end you"

"No baby, please i wasnt hiding I was sleeping" she told him "I had a headache so I tiurned in early" she carried on explaining

Seeing from the look in his eye, a look she'd seen many a time, she knew he didn't believe her. That look was the last thing she remembered before waking up in hospital 3 days later with the worst pain in her head. She looked down assessing her injuries, seeing the plaster on her arm and could feel by her heavy breathing that she has at least a broken wrist and some bruised of broken ribs. As she took in the scene ariund her she swore that this would never happen again.

 **9 months later...**

Alexandra Nichols entered the small looking precinct at about 8:30 on a Monday morning on the 5th March, her palms were sweating and her heart racing. Today was her first day as a detective working for Manhattan SVU and hearing so many things about the team and their reputation she was nervous and for the first time in a long time it was the good type. She looked around and took it all in knowing she was fat too early, she saw two desk spaces and an office set up for the squad and wondered how such an important unit had such limited supplies.

She heard a thick new york accent from behind her saying "Can I help you Maam?" It took her a moment to realise he was addressing her.

"Ummm yes actually" she said "I'm supposed to start working here today, Detective Nichols" she explained holding out her hand for him to shake "Alexandra" she continued further.

"Ah yes, the new lady detective from Chicago. Well I'm Sonny Carisi nice to meet you, Lieutenant Benson should be in soon so just make yourself comfortable while you wait" he told her.

She had only been waiting what must have been all of 5 minutes before she saw a older brunette woman walking in, bag thrown over her shoulder talking on the phone "Look Barba I don't know what more you want us to do, we gave you everything we had and now the rest is up to you" she heard her say to the person on the other end. Olivia looked at the younger woman as she ended her call with the ever frustrated ADA Barba and took in a few simple details about her, she was petite around 5'4 maybe, long auburn hair and green eyes, she was dressed in a professional suit with an elegant but simple white blouse and pair of comfortable yet stylish pair of black boots. The first thing Olivia noticed after taking in the woman's appearance was how young she looked, she had to be 30 maybe 32 at the oldest, that was young for an SVU detective, but she'd read her resume it was very impressive so she knew she was more than qualified for the job.

Alexandra, tired already of being scrutinised stuck out her hand "You must be Lieutenant Benson, I'm your new detective Alexandra Nichols" she said as she shook the woman's hand.

"Nice to meet you" said Olivia "Follow me and we'll see if we can't get you settled in, oh and Carisi, Barba wants more evidence linking Wilson to the rape" she said as she walked into her office.

Alex followed closely behind and thought she heard Carisi mumble behind her _"of course he does"_ she smirked and carried on following her new CO into her office. When inside she did a quick scan of her surroundings and saw multiple commendations, news paper articles and pictures of an adorable little boy scattering the small space, it wasnt what you expect of a COs office, it was bright and inviting as did it seem was the woman who occupied it.

"So your joining us from Chicago, I see you did 2 years in a crimes against children unit, must have been tough?" Olivia asked

"No tougher than this I imagine Lieutenant" she replied "Besides sometimes it actually felt like good days outweighed the bad... well equaled them anyway" she continued

"So why leave?" Olivia asked "Must have been very rewarding"

"Oh it was" started Alex "but while my career was soaring my personal life was at an all time low so I decided it was time for a change, and now here I am"

Olivia inspected the woman in front of her trying to get a read, failing the she started telling Alexandra where she could set up her desk space as she walked out of the office "You can set up here opposite Finn, hes my second" she told the new detective, as Finn reached out to shake her hand "I'm going to partner you with Carisi to begin with, show you the ropes here at SVU but I'm sure youll be just fine" and with that Olivia went back to her office.

"Alexandra Nichols" she introduced herself to Finn and the blonde whose name she had yet to learn "but you can call me Alex" she said.

"Well I'm Finn and that ray of sunshine over there is Amanda Rollins" Finn joked, as the blonde Amanda glared at him "and well you've already met Carisi, welcome to the team"

She was about to begin thanking him when an impeccably dressed man with dark brown hair interrupted her "Carisi what more do you have for me?" he practically shouted across the precinct "and don't say nothing cause I'm really in no mood for bad news" he continued.

"Sorry counsellor, I mean there's nothing else here, I'm about to take Alex her down to the scene again and see if we can find anything, set of new eyes and all that" Carisi explained, finally drawing Barba's attention to the unknown woman in the room.

"And you are?" Barba asked, with a raised eyebrow, never one to mince his words.

"Oh um, Im Alexandra Nichols, the new detective" She said, suddenly feeling a lot more nervous than she did earlier, this man had something about him that demanded respect and attention it was almost intimidating.

"Well I hope you're better than this lot" he said making his way to Olivia's office

Alex just looked at the people around her with a shell shocked expression on her face, Carisi spoke "And that is ADA Rafael Barba" answering her unasked questions.

"Seems lovely" she responded, Carisi just laughed and told her to follow him.

 **This is my first shot at an SVU fic so reviews are definitely welcome! Thanks**


	2. Chapter 2

As they walked through the precinct to get to their squad car Carisi pointed out a few things, like the break room, cots, briefing room and the locker room where she was assured there were showers. She followed behind Carisi who walked fast and talked faster, but he seemed like a decent guy. They finally made outside and she was instantly hit by the heat, but it wasn't summer lay by the beach heat, it was super humid "oh god my hair" heat. She was actually thankful to be in the car with AC and on her way to god knows where as Carisi drove.

"So why'd you make the move from big city to even bigger city?" Carisi asked as he pulled up at a red light

"I figure with this many people it will be easy for me to fade into the background, you know, just do my job, go home, the simple life" she told him

"And you picked SVU for the simple life" he asked, laughing "That's one I've not heard before

"Yeah well, dealing with vics and doing my job and doing it well has always come easy to me, its the personal side of life I just can't seem to get straight." she said "Its funny I've been alive for 31 years and the thing I struggle with is basic human interaction" she laughed at herself

"You're doing ok right now" Carisi told her, starting the car again

"That's because you fall into work category not personal" she advised him

They arrived at the scene after about another 5 minutes of comfortable silence. They got out near a little alleyway, she noticed it was dark but not as secluded as youd expect from the amount of evidence Carisi had explained they'd had. Carisi began searching all the crevices in the walls, the ground, as Alex made her way out of the alley checking out the surrounding area, seeing nothing at one end she decided to go to the other end and do the same thing there. She walked about 2 metres outside the alley and noticed one of the houses not too far from the scene had CCTV, she called Carisi to join her.

She pointed to the house "anyone ask them if we can borrow their CCTV?" she asked "we don't know which way he came in or out but we might get lucky and catch him"

Carisi grinned at her "No, no one was looking at houses, we thought we had DNA, lets go talk to the owners see if we can't get them to share" he said "you really do do your job well huh?" he was smiling at her

"Don't be too grateful just yet this might all be for nothing" she stated

The pair of them made their way to the house, knocking on she let Carisi do the talking, explaining the situation to the woman who answered the door, assuring her that all they needed was her CCTV and nothing more from the lady. She allowed them to enter the property and showed them to the computer where the CCTV footage was stored. Alex sat down and went through the footage hoping it went far back enough, the attack had happened almost a week ago, scrolling her way through all of the useless data. She had a time and date that she needed, and she found it 02/03/2018 02:00, the attack happened between 2 and 3 that much she knew, she slowed the footage back down allowing Carisi to watch over her shoulder trying not to flinch when he raised his hand next to her face pointing at the man on the screen.

"That's him" he said happily "We've got him, Barba will be very happy with you" he said to her before turning to the owner of the property "Maam, please may take a copy of the footage?" he asked her politely.

She obliged and they left 10 minutes later with Barba's final nail for Wilson's coffin. The drive back to the precinct was spent talking about the squad, their routine and the whole process with the DA's office. Which was where Barba came into it. Before she knew it they were stood in the briefing room showing Amanda, Finn and Olivia the footage as Amanda cleared it up perfectly, there was no mistaking it was him.

She turned as they heard a voice behind them "so there was more, hey Carisi?" asked Barba with a look on his face that Alex could not decipher for the life of her, it was somewhere between a smirk and a grimace "I see you'll actually helpful Detective Nichol was it?" he addressed her

"Nichols" she corrected "seems like I will" she told him, challenging him slightly, and as he tuned to talk to Olivia she took the time to really observe him, he was taller than her but not tall, he was tanned she guessed maybe Hispanic, he was actually a very handsome man not that she was looking for a man at this time in her life.

Barba finished his conversation with Liv and was looking at the new detective properly for the first time, sizing her up she guessed, he took in her petite frame, curvy, she stood maybe 3/4 inches smaller than him and he was struck with just how pretty she was. Pretty, like she was a 10 year old girl, but she was very very pretty, she had a look of innocence about her but at the same time a fire in her eyes that dared anyone to challenge her and boy did he plan to do just that. He started to make his way out of the precinct letting them know he'd plead it out if he could, before he made it completely out of the room he turned to Detective Nichols "Oh and gold star for you" he said as he walked out watching as she fumed by Carisi. He'd probably enjoyed it a little too much but hey he'd had a tough couple of weeks he deserved some fun.

 **So I know I kind of switched POV there but I want to get a bit of Barba across too..**


	3. Chapter 3

Alexandra had been working with SVU for about 8 months when she came across her case, everybody had one. The one that threatens to destroy them, invades thoughts and dreams, makes them question everything they thought they knew about the world. She hadn't expected it to come so soon. She was experienced. She'd seen plenty, but this one case made her insides turn like no other. Liv had told her to take a few days clearly seeing the effect it had had on her, Carisi had stopped by after she didn't answer the phone and even Amanda had offered to come over with wine. To be honest she felt like she was drowning in all the goodness she was been shown when she had spent the last 3 weeks surrounded by pure evil. An evil that had been growing and brewing for years, which had managed to stay hidden somehow. A part of her wishes they'd never unearthed it, that she'd never answered the phone but she knew that thinking like that was hopeless so instead she put on her jacket and her boots and headed to Forlinis.

She walked in, knowing he would be there, and saw him sat nursing his scotch. As she stood their looking at him, watching him and noticing how he looked just as broken as her she thought back to that early morning 3 weeks ago.

 _ **3 weeks earlier...**_

It was 2:40am when her phone rang, she hadn't been home even 5 hours and already she couldn't wait to be back there after this case, this incoming case she hadn't even answered yet. She pulled her phone from under her pillow and brought it to her ear "Nichols".

She heard Carisi's voice on the other end "We got a vic at central park, no ID but shes a kid Alex, can't be any older than 5." he sounded desperate, his voice almost pleading with her to just go there and fix it.

She pulled on her clothes, a black pant suit and a blue top, and ran out the door, gun and badge in hand. She could see the lights, the tape, the presence both on the floor and in the air before she even pulled up. She flashed her badge as she walked towards the crowd of unis and saw carisi a few feet in front of her, the closer she got she could see the little body in front of him, her blonde hair splayed out messily on the grass. She was too young. Warner was kneeling next to her, examining all she could before getting her back to the morgue.

"COD is blunt force trauma, someone beat this poor little girl to death. I'd say time of death is between 2 and 3 hours ago" she told the two detectives

They could see that for themselves, bruises marred the beautiful little face looking up at the stars. As they loaded the girl onto a stretcher Alex walked away just needing a minute to upset herself when she heard footsteps behind her. She turned and saw Carisi looking at her all concerned, she forced a smile and tilted her head in the direction of the scene, a silent sign to follow her. He looked at her a minute longer and nodded following her lead, as Warner confirmed signs of sexual assault before leaving the scene. The mere thought of it had the bile rising in both detectives mouths.

"We should check missing persons" it was Alex who broke the silence "someones got to be missing this little girl"

"We're supposed to be notified, what if the parents haven't even realised yet?" Carisi suddenly sounded sadder than she'd ever heard him

They stayed at the scene for about another 15 minutes, looking for something, anything but in a place this big this dark it was hopeless. They made the decision to go back to the precinct and leave forensics to trying to find something to give them a lead. As soon as they arrived at the precinct Alex made her way to the computer and ran a missings person check, no hits. Carisi placed a cup of coffee in front of her as they saw Liv and Fin making their way in, both looking equally as worried. Nobody wanted a dead kid in the city and more importantly they didn't want the death to remain unsolved.

It was 5 days before they even had the trace of a lead, no one had reported the girl missing, CCTV was a bust and so they had resorted to old fashioned police work and went door to door until finally someone recognised this baby girl. Emily Bishop. She was going to be turning 5 in May. Nobody knew where the parents were or why they hadn't reported her missing and when another body, another baby, turned up 3 days later they wondered the same thing and this little girl too.

As she looked at the board in front of her Alex wondered to herself how no one had missed them, how no one had claimed them. These two beautiful little girls. It made her sick to think of the pain they must have experienced. Yet through all he put them through, the son of a bitch left no DNA not a single trace. So here they were 8 days and 2 bodies with 0 leads.

"You ok?" she hadn't seen him come in, so she jumped when she heard Barba's voice behind her.

"No." she told him honestly

They had grown to respect each other over the last couple of months, almost even like. He was smart, passionate, witty and he challenged her. Her, she was bold, brash, fiery and most days she gave him migraines, but today seeing her stare at the board looking so down he would happily take the migraine to see that fire again. He took a deep breath, and he said the one thing he knew would rile her.

"Neither would I be, had I managed to accomplish nothing in 8 days other than another dead girl" his eyebrow was raised and his briefcase poised on the edge of the table. Her eyes when dark and he saw her nostrils visibly flare and thought just for one second that she was going to hit him. His words didn't have the desired effect because instead of fire he saw unshed tears. He felt awful and as looked around at the defeated faces of the SVU detectives, he stepped closer to her.

"I'm sorry" he all but whispered "I thought if I pissed you off it would relight the fire, get you more determined. I read the situation wrong and I apologise" he waited a few seconds before asking "Do we have anything at all?"

"nothing" she told him, turning to see Liv coming to her office door beckoning Barba.

It was 10 days and 3 more bodies before they got their break. DNA. Finally. He had left something. He was in the system obviously, and as soon as they had an ID the whole squad went to collar him, letting Alex do the honours of reading him his miranda rights. Unfortunately she also had the pleasure of interviewing him, listening as he recalled every sickening detail for 6 long hours. She didn't even look at Barba or Liv as she left the room, grabbing her bag and going straight home to shower and vomit.

She'd barely been home 5 minutes when she read Liv's text _"Take a few days, you earned them in there.- Liv x"_ She read the message and decided she would reply in the morning. Now she found herself standing at the door of Forlinis watching Rafael Barba nurse his scotch looking as beat as she felt.

"This seat taken?" she asked him, as she finally approached him. He didn't speak just nodded to the chair motioning for her to sit.

She ordered herself a scotch on the rocks as they sat in silence, neither one knowing what to say.

"You ok counsellor?" she started out simple, figuring he might shut anything else down

"no." he told her, affording her the same honesty she had him those what seemed many days ago "I've seen a lot of things at SVU, but this..." he just shook his head downing his scotch.

"You know what gets me?" she asked him, he turned to her showing her she had his attention "kids. They're so pure. They don't judge, they love anyone, any animal, any thing so freely. They should never have to know such pain exists, let alone experience it" she hadn't even realised she was crying until she Barba's finger wiping away a stray tear.

"The world is horrible place sometimes." he told her, and they finished their drinks in silence, and the one after that and the one after that.

They decided to call it a night, he walked her out and for the life of him he couldn't tell you why but as she put out her hand to hail a cab he grabbed her and pulled her towards and without giving her a chance to breathe, he crashed his lips to hers.


	4. Chapter 4

He doesn't know why he did it. He didn't even think about her like that. At least not on a regular basis after all he was male and was an extremely beautiful woman but as he pulled back and saw the look of furious confusion on his face he couldn't form a single thought at all. He opened his mouth to apologise, but before he could get a word out of his mouth she had slapped him. Hard. Across the face. As much as it hurt he couldn't pretend he didn't feel like he slightly he had practically accosted her in the street. He watched as she walked away, getting into the waiting cab and the gravity of what he had done hit him. She was detective, in a unit he worked very closely with not only would this make things awkward for them in the precinct if the DA got word he could be transferred elsewhere and he really didn't want that. He would text her, apologise and then give her the space she needed to forgive him and go back to the great working relationship and budding friendship they had.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and he walked back to his apartment _"I don't know what came over me, I'm so very sorry.- Barba"_ It was simple, but it was all it needed. Now all he had to do was stop thinking about how soft her skin and her lips felt and everything would be fine.

She was nearly home when she heard her phone ping, a text message, Barba. She didn't open it yet though. She would wait until she got home. What the hell was he thinking? Had she led him on? Maybe she came off as a little flirty _he'd_ always told her she had. She shuddered as she thought about the man she left in not Chicago not for the first time since she ran. Maybe that was why she had acted so harshly, it had been so long since a man had touched her and he hadn't exactly been gentle. It was the only explanation. She hadn't told anyone on the team about her past, if she were being honest she had tried her hardest to pretend it hadn't happened that it was a movie she had seen and not her life. She knew they would understand, better than anyone else in her life ever could but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She was ashamed, an SVU detective who stayed with an abusive man for over a year. Its ironic really that this is where she'd ended up.

She was sat on her sofa with a glass of wine when she finally decided to read Barba's text, she smiled, she would talk to him on Monday. Apologise too, she had completely overreacted. He was drunk, emotions were running and even if that hadn't been the case Barba was when of the best people she had ever met, he would never cause anyone harm. Not on purpose and not if he had known. She just hoped he could forgive her and they could move forward. She barely slept that night and the three that followed and it showed on her face.

"I told you to stay home to get some rest, why do you look even more exhausted?" Liv asked her she walked into the office

"My mind was working overtime the whole time, work, life, the case. Thing just wouldn't switch off. Did I miss anything?"

Liv shook her head "Nope, nothing except Barba's foul mood. He's even been too much for me. So I tell you what, since you haven't had to deal with it yet, you can get these files to him."

She had been telling herself the entire way to his office that everything was fine, Liv was just exaggerating and that Barba wasn't really that pissed but as she neared his office she heard yelling and swearing followed by a few Spanish words she was sure weren't PG. Carmen looked at her as she approached, gave her a sympathetic look and nodded to let her in. She knocked once and opened the door, he didn't even look up just barked a "What?" at his still unknown visitor.

"umm, Liv asked me to drop these off?" she said as she placed the files on his desk, he looked up shocked to hear her voice in his office "I wont keep you, youre clearly very busy but before I go I just want to say how sorry I am for the other night. I overreacted. You didn't deserve being hit. I just... I don't deal with personal things. I'm working on it I'm just not there yet. So yeah. Sorry." And with that she left.

Barba sat in his office, staring at the door as he had been for about 5minutes straight now. She had just apologised? After he had so royally screwed up she took the first step, well not including his message, and spoken to him. He'd been unbearable the last couple of days and he knew it, saw it in Liv's eyes when he yelled at her, he really owed her a drink. He was just so angry at himself for letting his control slip, he had only done that once before and it didn't end well for him. He didn't know how to move forward, he didn't want to affect their work or his job but hed found himself thinking about her a lot these last couple of days, Alexandra, he decided he wanted to know more about than just her name and where she worked. Come to think of it it has been almost a year and he didn't think the team knew much more about her than he did. He was determined. From what he knew she only had the team here in New York, none of which she could really consider friends except maybe Carisi, so he would make himself her first friend in the city.


	5. Chapter 5

She had thought about him more in the last month than in any of the other 8 she had while working at SVU, she blamed Barba he just had to kiss her. But it wasn't him she couldn't get out of her head it was Ben, that was the name of the man who spent a year or so kicking the crap out of her on a regular basis. She'd almost told Carisi a couple of times but everytime she chickened out even though she knew that out of everyone he would be the most understanding, he might even be help her to overcome it, her fear of him, fear or Barba because she was afraid of him. His goodness, his strength, his confidence, his valour, everything about him made her want to scream, push him further and further away even as he tried to get closer, to be her friend. The offers of a drink after a case, bringing her a coffee when he brought Liv's but she just couldn't do it.

"Hey, you still with me?"

She shook herself out of her thoughts and looked over at Carisi, who was looking at her concern all over his face as they were stopped at a red light. She could tell him, she knew she could She took a deep breath, calmed her nerves and turned to him, "You want get a drink later on? I'll explain my behaviour lately?" she asked him.

"You got it. Quicker we catch this guy, quicker we can get there too" he knew for her to bring it up was a big step and he didn't want her to have too long to change her mind.

It was 5 hours later when they were sat in a bar neither of them had been in before, it was neutral ground with no chance of running into Barba or Liv. Alex was already two glasses and Carisi had said nothing not even made small talk just giving her time to work herself up to talking to him. She didn't know where to start she really didn't, people always say in these situations the beginning is usually a good place but she didn't know where that was, everything had become such a blur.

"I told you on our first day together that I struggled with maintaining a healthy personal life" he just nodded his head, took a sip of his drink and looked at waiting for her to continue "Well it hadn't always been like that, I was loud, funny vibrant one might even say sexy" she grinned "Then one day about 2 and half years ago I met a guy, a doctor, he was gorgeous, funny, smart, rich, the full package you know? I was smitten, fell fast and fell hard and for a while it seemed like he had too. I'd moved in with him after about 4 months, my friends, parents, everyone they thought it was too soon but what did they know, we were young and in love what did we have to lose? We'd been living together for about 5 weeks when he had a real tough day at work, lost two patients in one day, he came home I had his dinner ready made on the table and when he walked through the door he picked up the plate, asked if that was supposed to make everything better and threw it against the wall, I asked him what the hell was going on and he turned on me, with this look in his eye I'd never seen before except on the faces of the guys was collared ya know, he moved towards me and I moved away from him until there was no more away and was right on top of me. I could barely see through my eye for about 3 days after, lied to the guys I worked with told them I was mugged. He came home with flowers, 100 red roses, a bottle of red and a gorgeous tiffany necklace, said how sorry was and that it would never happen again. And it didn't for about 2 months, this time he was more careful bruises where no one could see. His career was failing, his drinking increasing and I was the root of all that was going bad in his life. It was pretty much the same thing for about 10 months, then one night hed been out drinking, I heard him coming heard the slamming of the doors the heaving footsteps and knew it was going to be one of those nights. I hid in the bedroom and thought probably somewhat naively that if I were sleeping he would leave me alone, I was wrong. He pulled the covers down, slapped me across the face and spat at me, told me I owed him and that I had to make him feel better" she started shaking her eyes filling with tears "He forced my shorts down, told me it was my duty. I didn't want to Carisi but I swear I couldn't move... he, he... raped me and when I got up to go to the bathroom after he was done he grabbed me back by my hair, threw me to the ground...he kicked me over and over again so hard he broke 6 ribs and punctured a lung. I woke up 2 days later in hospital to find out hed pled to rape 1 and assault. He got 15 years and I got out of Chicago." she was crying when she finished.

She could feel Carisi's eyes burning into her so she turned to look at him to see his eyes too brimming with tears, he reached out to her taking her hand.

"Everyone has a past Alex, no ones gonna think less of you for yours. Trust me on that." he was so sincere in what he was saying it made her cry all the more but she smiled her thanks at him.

They were quiet for a couple more minutes, each finishing their drinks digesting the last conversation before Alex felt like she needed to get it off her chest.

"Barba kissed me" she blurted, Carisi looked at her his eyes wide as saucers "he kissed me and I slapped him."

"wha.. when?"

"About a month ago after the serial case"

"You slapped him?"

"I freaked, no guy has touched me like that since" she explained

"Barba's a good guy, he's smart, he's witty, he fights like hell for the vics and he's not so tough on the eyes, and since I started I've been curious about him but when he kissed me I freaked. I'm broken carisi, not saying I always will be but right now I am and he deserves someone whole, someone to take away the demons of the job not bring him more" she sounded defeated

"sounds to me like you've thought a lot about this, maybe he can be there while you heal? help you, you're right hes a good guy and if hes interested he isn't going to let this bother him. how's about me and you take a walk to Forlinis see if out favourite ADA is sat in his seat?" he was already grabbing his jacket not waiting for her answer.

Sure enough, there he was. Papers out in front of him, scotch in one hand and pen in the other. Was that man ever not working.

"Well this is where I leave you." Carisi gave her a pat on the shoulder, a wink and walked out with a "Good luck in there. If nothing else just clear the air"

She took a deep breath, braced herself. What was she supposed to say to him "oh hey sorry ive been ignoring you for weeks even though you've been trying so hard but I've been fighting a growing attraction to you that snuck up on me while Ive been trying to get over being raped by my". It sounded crazy for one and it just wasn't enough. He hadn't deserved the treatment she'd given him and if he turned her away she really wouldn't blame him. It wasn't until she heard his voice next to her that she realised how long she'd been standing there looking through the window.

"You're starting to scare the people inside" he said with his signature grin, she hadn't even seen him move

"I meant to come in" she offered by way of an explanation

He looked at her, her eyed red and puffy and felt his heart tug at the thought of her crying "Everything ok?" he asked her

She nodded. Then shook her head. "I, uh, I want to be friends. I know its probably too late but I umm I want to get to know the man behind the suit. If that's alright with you?"

His face lit up like a kid on Christmas "Well then we better go inside and get a drink"


	6. Chapter 6

She hadn't been home in days, her clothes felt very worn and her eyes were heavier than she could remember them being in a long time. She felt herself drifting before she heard something placed in front of her and smelled the coffee, looking up she saw Carisi standing over her.

"You look like crap" he told her matter of factly.

"Thanks, best part is I've deprived myself of sleep for nothing. This guy hasn't slipped up once, its like he's just gone off the face of the planet."

They's been searching for a husband who had savagely raped his own wife after finding out she had cheated on him, the woman had barely made it out alive. Safe to say it hard stuck a cord with Alex and Carisi knew it. Hed been keeping an extra watchful eye on her the last 3 days, bringing her extra coffee, insisting he drive, bringing back her lunches, in a way she appreciated it but she wished he'd turn his back for a second so she could briefly lose it. If it wasn't Carisi she had Liv constantly looking over her shoulder asking if she was OK, she had told her about her situation about a month after she had finally told Carisi, he had convinced her that it would be a good idea to keep the Lieutenant in the know especially since she found everything out anyway. To her credit Liv barely let on that she knew and as far as she knew hadn't mentioned it to anyone else.

She saw Barba and Liv come into the precinct they stopped in the squad room looking around to make sure everyone was there.

"The DA has requested we put this case on the backburner and investigate the latest Hudson rape, 1PP agrees" Liv said, carefully eyeing Alex

"What?!" she asked "Because this woman was raped by her husband she was asking for it more than a college ed?"

"That's not what we're saying, but we cant go against them on this one" Barba told her

"Sounds like that's exactly what we're saying to me, oh I'm sorry ma'am but because you chose to marry your rapist 7 years ago your case just isn't in our best interest at the time, but best of luck when he comes back and tries to kill you again. Will you be explaining this to our vic counsellor or do Carisi and I get that pleasure?" she asked, with more fire than she intended

"Look I know this isn't ideal but I have my orders and now so do you" his reply was short, meant to be final

"I sure hope your orders let you sleep at night."

"ALex, I know because of your personal background you're taking this personal but theres nothing more we can do. Fin, Amanda go speak to our complaining witness at Hudson." Liv told them "And you, out your personal feelings aside and go interview the accused with Carisi and I'll go speak to our DV vic" she finished.

Alex was glaring at her as Carisi tried to play peacekeeper by leading ALex out of the precinct while Barba just looked on confused.

The Hudosn rape case was a typical he said she said and she could see why the DA wanted this prioritised, the scenario was becoming far more regular and they needed to put a stop to it but in her mind so was domestic violence. Once they got all the statements and evidence it was a pretty open and shut case which she knew Barba had enough evidence to prosecute go for the max and hopefully make an example showing these guys that it was not ok and no really did mean no.

She didn't expect anyone else to be in the bar with her that night, she was two glasses of whiskey in when she heard him next to her. She wasn't used to seeing him here after a win, especially not one so easy.

"You wanna talk?" he asked her

"Nope"

She finished her drink, ordered another and turned to look at him. She could see the concern, genuine concern, written all over her face and she knew why, she knew it was rare for her to lose her cool especially with Barba and Liv that was usually Amanda's job. She knew he was looking for an explanation but she wasn't sure she could give it him at least not a full one. With Carisi it was different he had become a good friend, a confidant but that was all she saw him as but sat here looking at Rafael Barba she couldn't help but notice the way his green eyes sparkled under the light, or the way his brow creased when he was looking at her like he was and that scared her because if she opened up now she was completely vulnerable, open and the he had all the cards. Maybe she could tell him without telling him, he didn't need to know of the rape it was too much.

"I was in an abusive relationship, just before I moved to New York. Lasted about a year" she saw his eyes widen and watched as Adams apple bobbed as he swallowed the drink he had just taken and he nodded.

"He doing time?"

"Yeah, but not before it was nearly too late." she told him vaguely "I don't have an excuse or a reason for not telling my colleagues but its such a strange situation to find yourself in, as a cop, as a woman you feel like a failure. You want to leave but then you don't know what youll tell people if they ask, don't want your family, friends, colleagues to think of you as less, see you as less capable. You just don't want to see that look in their eyes, the one they give to vics." The one you're giving me now she wanted to say but she couldn't bring herself to do it

"You know that no one here would ever think less of you for that" he sounded so sincere "You didn't fail Alexandra you won, you're here and hes rotting in a jail cell. seems like hes the one that failed to me" the sound of he full name threw her

"Thanks Barba"

"Rafael"

"Excuse me"

"My name is Rafael, I know you know it but you never use it. Even Carisi does every now and then"

She just laughed "Thank you, Rafael" and that was all it took and he was grinning her

"For what its worth, I think more of you now I know. Not less" he told her

"You don't have to say that, ive dealt with who I am now"

"No, I mean it. Everything I've ever thought about you, seen in you, your beauty, grace, humour, intelligence its all still there ten fold. I could never think less of you for surviving" he told her as he put his hand over hers

She looked down, his hand felt nice and soft, gentle like it could never ever hurt her and yet still it terrified her.

"I should get going, I haven't been home in a while, have a good night Barba" she told him, specifically using his last name to distance him and with that she left the bar into the cold New York air.


	7. Chapter 7

3 months, that was how long it had been since her chat with Barba, since she had told him everything she had fully intended to not tell anyone when she first moved here and now it was something that well known among her colleagues. It had also been the last time she had grabbed a drink with him or allowed herself to be alone with him, she hadn't treated Carisi with the same level of distance but with the man so clearly caught up on Amanda there was no danger of blurred lines but with him, Rafael, no Barba she could picture things she had long ago told herself she didn't need. Quiet Sundays spent in bed, with breakfast and crappy TV, exploring the restaurants of New York together on their weekly date night, it was all too easy to see herself happy with him and she couldn't risk it. Didn't think she would have to, she really thought she had done that well at avoiding him without making it seem to obvious until that night.

She was making her way out of the 1-6 when she saw him stood leaning against a streetlight, staring down at his phone, perfectly tailored suit still in place and his hair looking as good as it had in the courtroom this morning. He looked up catching her eye and smiled a shy smile at her one she had never seen on his face before.

"I thought I could walk you home?" it was a nervous suggestion, his anxiety laced his every word.

"I..." she didn't know what to say, she hadn't let anyone know where she lived yet and that was intentional, but the longer she paused the more his face fell, so she took a breath "I would like that"

The walk started out in an almost uncomfortable silence. Their steps while perfectly in sync seemed miles apart and it made her feel awful, the distance she had hoped to create was currently making her feel worse than she'd felt since waking up that morning all those months ago. She had to do something, anything to diffuse the tension between them.

"You often stalk people outside their place of work and demand to walk them home?" she joked, hearing his release of breath and see a ghost of a smirk

"Only the ones that refuse to talk to me" he countered

"Barba I,"

"Can you not use my last name, just for this walk" he cut her off

Her palms were sweating and she didn't know what to say so she just nodded at him.

"Did I upset you? Have I somehow ruined whatever it was we had?" he sounded so genuinely confused

"You haven't done anything Rafael, I just I'm not ready to accept people back into my life yet, not more than professionally"

"Funny because Carisi still gets to drink with you and Liv buys you coffee on our morning coffee stop, but not me. I don't get drinks and I'm not allowed to buy you coffee, so I'm going to ask again. Have I upset you?" he didn't sound angry, just frustrated and she would allow him that

"No, you haven't"

"Then why?"

"Because its too complicated with you, Carisi he's my partner, Liv's my boss. I can put them into little boxes and label what they are but with you I can't do that. You're not just the ADA, to anyone there, and its been so long since I've had friends that I don't know how to do this. And if we're being honest here Rafael is that all you want from me, friendship? I hadn't even been here six months before you stuck your tongue down my throat so what exactly do you want from me?" she had stopped walking now as she bombarded him with words.

"Nothing, I guess I don't want anything from you. Get home safe" he told her and he turned and walked away from her, leaving her to feel like the biggest ass on the planet.

She knew she had to make this right, but as she neared her apartment she couldn't help but think she had ruined this thing once and for all. He sounded so final as he walked away from her and the thought scared her. He was a good man, the best, he was attractive, smart and passionate so what the hell was she running from. She couldn't protect herself from heartbreak she knew it wasn't rational to think she could and he would never hurt her physically. So what was she so scared of? The fact that it could be real, that if this worked it could be it for her and all her life she had ran when things got real. She knew what she had to do.

The next night, she was stood waiting for him as he walked out of his building, briefcase in hand, looking down at his phone as usual. He put his phone in his pocket, and looked up, freezing when he saw her stood there.

"Walk you home?"

He didn't respond just walked passed her as thought she weren't even there, so she followed him.

"I know you're angry with me, I said some unfair things last night but I'm here and I'm trying to apologise." he carried on walking "For goodness sake Rafael, would you just stop and look at me?!"

Maybe it was the tone of her voice, or the fact she had used his given name without prompting but he stopped, and turned to look at her expectantly making her forget everything she was going to say.

"I'm sorry for throwing the kiss back in your face, you already apologised for that once. The truth is though, its not you who might want more... its me. And I know that sounds crazy given my treatment of you but I told you I'm not an easy person. I've barely been able to stop thinking about you, and its not something that I'm used to. I find myself listening to you in the court room and imagining that passion directed at me but this wouldn't work, Liv would freak out, one of us would have to transfer, i'd ruin this sooner or later so instead I kept you at arms length and I let you think I don't care which couldn't be further from the truth but nothing can change, we can't happen it just isn't realistic. Neither of us would be willing to give up our job so its best to just move on from this as friends" she finished.

She walked towards his frozen form, placed her hand on his arm, kissed his cheek and began walking away.

"Who says I would be willing to give up my job?" she heard from behind her "And maybe it wouldn't even come to that, we wouldn't have to tell anyone not right away, this could be our secret while we figure it out."

"What about if it works? Do you leave SVU or do I?"

"I've been here a long time now maybe its time for me to try something new"

"You love your job"

"You're right I do, but I'm looking at something right now that if all went well, one day, I could love a lot more. Alex, this could work, all you have to do is try. Go on a date with me, dinner and drinks. That's all we need for now. Just think about it, let me know tomorrow. If its yes then great if not then like you said we can go on as friends."

She hadn't expected it end like that, she expected him to give up without a fight. Now she had a lot to think about.


End file.
